Mindfulness/Emotion Regulation
A hallmark of a healthy mental state is our ability to experience a wide range of emotions. This includes subtle degrees within similar emotions. As an example of what I mean by “subtle degrees;” do you know someone (or are you that someone?) who goes right from seeming calm, “go with the flow” to being really upset, flying off the handle, or having anger outbursts?
Something I’ve seen many times in therapy sessions is that people have a challenging time with detecting the presence of their emotions when they are at a low intensity level. It is not until they are at a point of very high intensity that they become detectable, and at that point it is too late to do anything to regulate them leading to all sorts of impulsive behaviors. Inability to detect subtle emotions can be caused by a multitude of factors. There are gender-related implications for this, certain emotions may not have been safe to express in one’s childhood home, cultural factors can be at play, the list goes on.
What this individual would be tasked with in therapy is learning what factors contribute to the likelihood of an anger outburst, and mitigating those early while things are only at a 4/10 level of irritation, as opposed to a 10/10 of outright fury.
Here’s where the mindfulness part comes in. This individual presently does not have the skill of detection for what mild irritation feels like, which may contribute to their seemingly easy-going nature. This tendency may lend itself to some ease in social situations, and at the same time, may also rob them of opportunities for self-advocating.
A lot of the time when I am working with someone on a matter like anger outbursts, what they most want to know is “how can I control my anger when I’m already at a 10/10?” While it can be a dissatisfying answer initially for anyone who wants a quick fix, I try to steer people towards preventative measures first, and work on deescalation later. Preventative measures can include awareness of physical sensations that are associated with outbursts. To use me as an example, I know from enough trial and error that when I’m stressed and at risk of lashing out at someone, it often first shows up for me as tension between my shoulderblades.
For me, whenever I feel that telltale symptom of upper back tension, and then I re-trace my steps, I’m most likely working too many hours and otherwise overscheduling myself, not sleeping enough, not moving my body as often as it needs it, etc. I know that when I am feeling that way, I need to tread really lightly in conversations, as I am much more likely to say something I’ll later regret. And to take strides to scale back my obligations ASAP!
If I were treating myself in therapy, we would be spending at least as much time on identifying what factors are interfering with me taking care of myself so that I’m not as risk of anger outbursts as we would on the deescalation of the outbursts themselves.
To sum up, emotions are much harder to manage when they are only detectable at high intensity levels. Prevention is the most effective cure, and the course this often takes in therapy is working to identify the subtle degrees within emotions (e.g., mild irritation as opposed to outright fury), and work to mitigate emotions when they are at low intensity levels. This is a lifelong practice, and never too late to get started!
If learning more about emotion regulation and mindfulness might benefit you, please reach out to set up a free, virtual consultation so that we can speak further face to face. I look forward to speaking with you!
